Relationship Advice
The Subtle Way We Destroy Our Relationships and How to Change
The Three Hidden Roles of Drama
--
I can’t rescue you, and this article can’t save you. You have to do that yourself, but if you choose to read on, maybe, just maybe, you’ll see something you haven’t seen before — a hidden dynamic that keeps playing out in relationships all over the world.
I’m talking about the Karpman Drama Triangle, a framework developed by Stephen B. Karpman, M.D.
It’s a form of transactional analysis we can use to determine the “roles” we’re playing out in our relationships. The concept serves as a good starting point for anyone floundering in their relationships. Hi! That’s me — I’m struggling in my relationships. I have been since I can remember, and now I’m in the longest, most challenging relationship of my life, and I’m only just starting to grasp the underlying concepts of how relationships work. Until now, I would have said it was a touch of mystical happenstance well beyond the comprehension of all but the most dedicated.
But, you see, I’ve been on a journey ever since I realized I couldn’t be vulnerable with my wife anymore. Of course, I’ve mis-stepped a million times before that moment and after, but I’m trying to do better. That’s my saving grace. I have a desire to do right by myself and others, but as we all know, best intentions do not, in and of themselves, create the world.
I have to do better. I deserve the benefits of having healthier relationships, and so do the people in my life.
So, let’s get down to business.
What is The Karpman Drama Triangle (KDT)?
The KDT builds on transactional analysis theory and identifies the dynamic interactions stemming from dysfunctional transactions within relationships.
Three identifiable roles construct the KDT: The Victim, Rescuer, and Prosecutor.
Each position is temporal, and the involved parties of a KDT will cycle through them in any situation where the characteristics of any role arise.
A classic scenario would be a husband, wife, and daughter disagreeing about the daughter’s behavior. Because the daughter’s behavior has occurred several times before, the mother confronts the daughter. The daughter feels accused (i.e., the mother is prosecutor) and lashes out, claiming her mother’s cruelty (i.e., the daughter is a victim). Finally, sensing a storm brewing, the father rushes in to intervene (i.e., the father is the rescuer but may also be operating from the other positions).
This scenario can play out a hundred different ways, and no three people will handle the situation the same. Still, in a KDT, each character (mother, daughter, father) will oscillate between the three roles (victim, prosecutor, rescuer).
For example, the father wants to resolve the situation and prevent a blowout, but this isn’t the first time. The daughter immediately starts venting her feelings to her father (persists in her victim state). The mother, feeling like she’s lost control of the situation (now a victim), crosses her arms and glares at the daughter (prosecutor). All the while, the father is trying to resolve a KDT by inserting himself into it. So, who does he rescue? The mother or the daughter? If no one can extract themselves from the role of victim without taking on another position (and few rarely can), then the father will likely slip into the role of victim and prosecutor.
Imagine what roles the mother and daughter will fall into if they feel the father is taking sides.
Healing from the effects of a KDT has a simple theory — actively stay out of the triangle, but here’s the rub: KDT’s have gravity*. Each of us carries thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and wounds that can pull us into any role, and others affect us as well.
Dr. Karpman’s work is nearly as complex as the real-life situations it attempts to disseminate. Unfortunately, as I write this article and review more of the resources his website has available, I realize I’m not prepared to provide additional value on the topic. So, I’ll leave you with a few related resources that are helping me move forward in my life.
